My name is Helen and I have started this blog to get discussion going around how to deal with the trauma that comes from being entrapped, treated unfairly, bullied, marginalised in ways that are often invisible. Seeking positive comments and stories that come out of hardship, constructive advice rather than a place to vent.
I’m a devoted and caring single mother who has been abused by the father of our children for many years, and this has been reinforced by institutional bullying and false accusations via the Family Court system. I’m interested in the idea that violence is not just physical. The blows I’ve been dealt have felt physical, and have affected me and the children deeply. It is tempting to want to strike back – I feel like a mother bear whose cubs and own life have both been threatened. I’ve tried hard not to reciprocate the violence, yet there may have been times when I looked vicious merely because I stood up for our rights, but preserving myself and the children were my only motives. I abhorred being cornered into such unhealthy positions so instead I removed myself from these impossible situations, but sadly this has meant being apart from my children and living with hurtful accusations.
I believe, as hard as it is and as hurt as I am, that there is a positive future if I keep my strength and my dignity. My essence as a mother now focuses on being an excellent role model rather than the person who cooks their tea, as much as I want to cook their tea.
I now have a great admiration and respect for anyone who has tackled injustice, by saying no, or by freeing oneself from entrapment. It is such a hard thing to do, for it is often just the beginning of a long road. When you stand up to these things you face the loss of other things, and are misunderstood or misrepresented in the process.
I believe self-expression is an important part of life, especially in regards to healing, which is how I came up with the title for this blog. Hopefully I can sing via this blog, and I’d love to hear your chorus and any verses you’d like to add.
It ain't over till the fat lady sings 
My marriage was like being Rapunzel in the tower. I could look out on life, but when I tried to join it, he built thicker walls. I escaped with my toddler and found our life in the wilderness so much happier and secure. Or so I thought. After the hardest work was done and my toddler was nearly out of childhood my former captor, aided and abetted by the authorities, was able to lure the child back into his castle, and thereby tether me to it’s ugly perimeter. I’ve remained strong and kept myself there for my child, showing him there is life outside the tower. My toddler is almost a man now and it’s a joy to see him increasingly choose life over entrapment. Patiently holding a torch for him has had rewards. I’m nearly free again and wonder how we can expose those who abuse with weapons of the heart and mind, and the agencies that are their naive co-conspirators. I can’t sing. I’m a backstager, but I hear your tune.
I love the way you have told your story. It makes it so clear. Putting our hardships into a narrative is something that I think is really helpful in coming to terms with what has happened. It doesn’t make it right, but it provides clarity. When we’re bullied and entrapped, it can be tempting to blame ourselves for what has happened, but when we externalise it as you’ve done here it becomes clear what really happened and what our motives were. I so admire you for seeking life and ensuring your child knows about life.
I love the way that one person’s story sheds light on another person’s story. For example, your story makes it clear to me that I am doing a similar thing with my own children. It took a long time because of the many threats, but I have chosen life over entrapment also, and although the children are not permitted to join me permanently, they get glimpses of life through their visits with me, and I have seen the joy that it brings them.
In my experience it’s the abuse that doesn’t leave you physically battered and bruised that is the worst kind. It’s not only partners that dish out this type of abuse – in my case it was a parent. I had physical bruises as well but they healed while I’m only now beginning to get help for the deeper wounds inside that I have allowed to hold me back from becoming the ME that I was destined to be.
My mother used to say “Sticks and stones might break my bones but words will never hurt me” when talking about schoolyard bullying, etc. It made me sick hearing her say that when SHE was causing me so much emotional harm – now in my 40s I still believe I’m ‘good for nothing’ and a ‘waste of space’. Your parents are supposed to love and protect you, not damage you to the point where you don’t consider yourself worthy of love.
Children remember and absorb a great deal Helen and they will know that while their father cooks their tea, it was their mother who was strong and courageous and stood up for what was right…and showed them the beauty of real life whenever she had the opportunity. They will love and respect you more as a result of the separation you’re all now living with.
JD
I am at a loss for words over what you have been through, JD. And I agree with all you say – I too have found that saying “sticks and stones” etc. to be entirely untrue. Words hurt, and they are used against people in so many ways and cause untold damage. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m trying here to use words to repair the damage.
Hope you are now managing to become the ME you are supposed to be – I like the way you phrased it. All the best…
I found a book this afternoon (as you do when you spend most of your waking hours in a library)…opened it, thought OMG…this book is about me.
It’s called Truth Heals by Deborah King. You can see sample pages on Amazon. One particular paragraph left me feeling as if the author had plunged her fist into my chest and wrenched out my heart…she left me feeling short of breath. She actually KNOWS how I feel because she has felt it too.
Her story is similar to mine but she discusses other cases, other people who have suffered abuse…there might be something in it that connects with you too.