Having been through a very traumatic series of events affecting the well-being of my children over several years, I have been overwhelmed at the moral support I have received from a huge range of people. The support covered all sorts of bases – from moral support, from practical support, to allowing me time to deal with things, to believing in me, to giving me a job, to encouraging me to meet my potential.
But the one form of support that I’m interested in discussing today is the kind called “advice”. On looking back I realise that much of the advice I received was more often damaging than helpful. So I’d like to consider the nature of “support”, and what constitutes constructive advice. On looking back I realise that my instincts were always sound, even though at times I was in a worn out or emotional state. The helpful support was of the kind that led me into my own instincts and thoughts, not the kind that said “you should do this” or “don’t worry, you can’t do anything about it”.
It was only me who truly understood the situation, only me who knew the cruel obstinacy of the person who was perpetuating the suffering, and only me that knew my children’s suffering. I was the one hearing what lawyers and judges said, not the outsiders who assumed the system was fair and reasonable. I remained sane and sensible throughout, yet understandably stressed. Yet helpful people around me (and I don’t accuse for I may well have done the same) wanted to tell me what to do or what not to do, without being in full possession of the facts. Our years of battle with the children’s father contained way too much material for anyone to ever know the facts except me.
Now that I have time to reflect I can say with some certainty that:
I way preferred it when people acknowledged briefly what I was going through but then carried on as normal. eg the bosses I’ve had who believed in me, accepted that I might need some time to attend appointments, believed that I would make up the time, gave me projects that extended me without overworking me. I’ve had 4 team leaders in the past 6 years who did this. What their approach said to me was “You are a good worker and I trust you. You have some issues in your life that are unfair. You will need some time to deal with these issues. This will not affect your ability to do a good job. I have faith in you and I’m sorry that life has dealt you a bum deal”.
(I acknowledge that maybe team leaders are able to come up with this approach because they are more emotionally distant from the problem. It seems those who love you most are the ones most like to want to “help” but cannot always find the best way.)
It was also helpful if people didn’t ask about how things were going. If you needed to tell them you usually would raise it first. Often I would have my mind in a really good space (and this still happens) and people will ask about the “issue”. I would feel dutybound to be a responsive conversationist, so I would tell them, but it was not want I wanted to talk about, especially given they would usually try to give you the dreaded “advice”. This “dredging up” approach is not helpful, but if you’re a bit stressed you get sucked in to it. Now that I’m a bit more recovered I have the presence of mind to notice when people are doing this and I am now able to stop people doing this.
Never tell a traumatised person that something is beyond their control. It is AWFUL to hear that since the lack of control is the exact problem. It is truly horrific to have no control over your children’s well-being, so to be constantly reminded by people who attended some psychology course once upon a time, is a huge kick in the guts. It is simply not helpful and very insulting. You know it is beyond your control, which is why you are sad and stressed. Please shut up and don’t say it.
Having a talk about unfair things that have happened can be useful so that you know you are not going crazy. Having someone confirm that what you’ve been through is unjust or difficult or insane, is affirming. But its best if it stops there, and then you can then talk about other things. It is great to have someone show faith in your ability to cope with it, but not so great if they try to tell you what to do. It is your own instincts and knowledge and belief that counts the most in the end.
Hearing other people’s stories was a godsend to me, but not because it showed me what to do. You need to be aware that it is their story and it is different to your story. Hearing other people’s stories made me feel less alone and made me think I could get through things, but nothing in their stories was useful in terms of how I should behave or what I should do. On the few occasions when I did get swayed into trying similar, when people gave me their stories by way of advice, it turned out badly. What works for one person will not work for another necessarily. Your own integrity and your own unique situation needs to be taken into account.
And the final thing that is helpful was when my trauma was understood to have spin off effects. i.e. that it has drained my energy and my bank balance. Please don’t give my children expensive gifts when I cannot. Please don’t ask me why I don’t buy a house. Please don’t hassle me when I need to go to bed before midnight even if there is a party on. I came and enjoyed it, but my body has been pulled apart for many years and I need my sleep to avoid health issues. I’m respecting myself by not drinking and partying, please don’t take it personally, please respect me too. And please don’t think everything will be solved if you try to set me up with another person.
I’d be interested in hearing from others about what did and didn’t help as they worked at getting through their trauma?
It ain't over till the fat lady sings 