Affirmations in the aftermath of abuse

Over the past few years I’ve received so many “blows” from the father of my children, that I have become accustomed to them and have been permanently in “brace position”.  It’s a hard habit to break free of.  Even now, when he has taken so much from me that there really isn’t anything further he can take, I find myself tense and expectant for the next blow.  It takes a real conscious effort for me to make myself relax and to say strongly to myself:  “There’s nothing worse that he can do to you now,”  and “you have coped with the very worst already, whatever happens now you will of course manage, just as you always have”.

After many many years I have finally learned that the way to avoid the ongoing attacks is to stop trying to get justice.  In my experience, going to the Family Court or to the Revenue Dept in an attempt to get fair custody and child support is a fraught business, which invites further accusations and abuse.  I can see clearly now that whoever has the most power, the most money, the most time on his hands and the most calculating nature, is the one who wins.

My focus has always been on raising and providing for my children and that is where my energy goes.  So I find that I am not at all equipped to play the “fighting game” that these agencies require.   Screeds of paper listing grievances, spreadsheets, accounts, creative accounting of events – these are all things I am very bad at supplying.  I’m an honest person so I expect to be believed, but it seems you cannot be believed by these systems unless you play the game right.   I don’t do it at all well, because I am spending my life as most people do – raising a family, working a full day’s work, volunteering in the community where possible, caring for extended family and friends, being responsible with my health and well-being.   I simply do not have the time nor the inclination to supply the detail that so-called “justice” requires.  Therefore I feel that I must live with injustice, and the only thing that I’m guilty of is of being a normal decent person.

But no matter what people say and do, they cannot take the important things:  my children have been taken  from me physically, yet nobody can stop them loving and wanting me.   The ex can drain my financial resources and continues to do so, yet he cannot take my energy, work skills and employability away anymore so  in actual fact I will always somehow make ends meet.  As much as in the past he tried to isolate me geographically, I have broken out of his boundaries now and he cannot take away my fantastic friends and family.

These messages are ones that I find I am telling myself over and over as I go through this recovery period.   I think when we’ve been abused and accused, those of us with consciences begin to doubt ourselves and think we’ve somehow caused it.  Luckily I have friends around who know that this is not the case.   And as they can’t be by my side every minute reminding me that I am not the person I’ve been accused of being,  reminding me that I have always acted with integrity,  I have recently tried to take on the role of “affirming friend” to myself by telling myself these things when the gremlin doubts and anxieties urge me in to the habitual “brace position”.

As this blog is all about healing, because that’s where I am in life right now, the focus now has to be on me and my future and not on the things that have happened to me, so I’d love to hear from anyone who has some affirmations or comments that they’d like to share that could be healing.  Affirmations that perhaps take the tension off and allow us to breathe again.  Or things that help us know that although the abuse we received was not an official “crime” as such, it was still abuse, and we are not responsible for it.

I’d also like to acknowledge the many other people out there who have suffered and are finding their way back to the lives they deserve.