The nature of support, and the danger of “advice”

Having been through a very traumatic series of events affecting the well-being of my children over several years, I have been overwhelmed at the moral support I have received from a huge range of people.   The support covered all sorts of bases – from moral support, from practical support, to allowing me time to deal with things, to believing in me, to giving me a job, to encouraging me to meet my potential.

But the one form of support that I’m interested in discussing today is the kind called “advice”.  On looking back I realise that much of the advice I received was more often damaging than helpful.  So I’d like to consider the nature of “support”, and what constitutes constructive advice.  On looking back I realise that my instincts were always sound, even though at times I was in a worn out or emotional state.  The helpful support was of the kind that led me into my own instincts and thoughts, not the kind that said “you should do this” or “don’t worry, you can’t do anything about it”.

It was only me who truly understood the situation, only me who knew the cruel obstinacy of the person who was perpetuating the suffering, and only me that knew my children’s suffering.  I was the one hearing what lawyers and judges said, not the outsiders who assumed the system was fair and reasonable.  I remained sane and sensible throughout, yet understandably stressed.  Yet helpful people around me (and I don’t accuse for I may well have done the same) wanted to tell me what to do or what not to do, without being in full possession of the facts.  Our years of battle with the children’s father contained way too much material for anyone to ever know the facts except me.

Now that I have time to reflect I can say with some certainty that:

I way preferred it when people acknowledged briefly what I was going through but then carried on as normal.  eg the bosses I’ve had who believed in me, accepted that I might need some time to attend appointments, believed that I would make up the time, gave me projects that extended me without overworking me.  I’ve had 4 team leaders in the past 6 years who did this.  What their approach said to me was “You are a good worker and I trust you.  You have some issues in your life that are unfair.  You will need some time to deal with these issues.  This will not affect your ability to do a good job.  I have faith in you and I’m sorry that life has dealt you a bum deal”.

(I acknowledge that maybe team leaders are able to come up with this approach because they are more emotionally distant from the problem.  It seems those who love you most are the ones most like to want to “help” but cannot always find the best way.)

It was also helpful if people didn’t ask about how things were going.  If you needed to tell them you usually would raise it first.  Often I would have my mind in a really good space (and this still happens) and people will ask about the “issue”.  I would feel dutybound to be a responsive conversationist, so I would tell them, but it was not want I wanted to talk about, especially given they would usually try to give you the dreaded “advice”.  This “dredging up” approach is not helpful, but if you’re a bit stressed you get sucked in to it.  Now that I’m a bit more recovered I have the presence of mind to notice when people are doing this and I am now able  to stop people doing this.

Never tell a traumatised person that something is beyond their control.  It is AWFUL to hear that since the lack of control is the exact problem.  It is truly horrific to have no control over your children’s well-being, so to be constantly reminded by people who attended some psychology course once upon a time, is a huge kick in the guts.  It is simply not helpful and very insulting.  You know it is beyond your control, which is why you are sad and stressed.  Please shut up and don’t say it.

Having a talk about unfair things that have happened can be useful so that you know you are not going crazy.  Having someone confirm that what you’ve been through is unjust or difficult or insane, is affirming.  But its best if it stops there, and then you can then talk about other things.  It is great to have someone show faith in your ability to cope with it, but not so great if they try to tell you what to do.  It is your own instincts and knowledge and belief that counts the most in the end.

Hearing other people’s stories was a godsend to me, but not because it showed me what to do.  You need to be aware that it is their story and it is different to your story.  Hearing other people’s stories made me feel less alone and made me think I could get through things, but nothing in their stories was useful in terms of how I should behave or what I should do.  On the few occasions when I did get swayed into trying similar, when people gave me their stories by way of advice, it turned out badly.   What works for one person will not work for another necessarily.  Your own integrity and your own unique situation needs to be taken into account.

And the final thing that is helpful was when my trauma was understood to have spin off effects.  i.e. that it has drained my energy and my bank balance.  Please don’t give my children expensive gifts when I cannot.  Please don’t ask me why I don’t buy a house.  Please don’t hassle me when I need to go to bed before midnight even if there is a party on.  I came and enjoyed it, but my body has been pulled apart for many years and I need my sleep to avoid health issues.  I’m respecting myself by not drinking and partying, please don’t take it personally, please respect me too.  And please don’t think everything will be solved if you try to set me up with another person.

I’d be interested in hearing from others about what did and didn’t help as they worked at getting through their trauma?

 

 

Mothers on Trial: the Battle for Custody by Phyllis Chesler

And here it is….the book that covers what I’ve been through, written by Phyllis Chesler, who does not know me at all, but has researched many many women like myself.   I have not read it so far as I’ve just learned of its existence.  Today I have ordered it and have read comments about it and several reviews.   It sounds as if this is the book that speaks of my experience, even though I live in a different country.  It is the book I thought I would have to write myself, but was daunted at the prospect and too hurt to face.   Thank you Phyllis Chesler for dealing with a largely unseen injustice that damages women and children.  I look forward to reading it and will add my responses at a later date.    Meanwhile I recommend looking at this blurb  and this recent article  .

Affirmations in the aftermath of abuse

Over the past few years I’ve received so many “blows” from the father of my children, that I have become accustomed to them and have been permanently in “brace position”.  It’s a hard habit to break free of.  Even now, when he has taken so much from me that there really isn’t anything further he can take, I find myself tense and expectant for the next blow.  It takes a real conscious effort for me to make myself relax and to say strongly to myself:  “There’s nothing worse that he can do to you now,”  and “you have coped with the very worst already, whatever happens now you will of course manage, just as you always have”.

After many many years I have finally learned that the way to avoid the ongoing attacks is to stop trying to get justice.  In my experience, going to the Family Court or to the Revenue Dept in an attempt to get fair custody and child support is a fraught business, which invites further accusations and abuse.  I can see clearly now that whoever has the most power, the most money, the most time on his hands and the most calculating nature, is the one who wins.

My focus has always been on raising and providing for my children and that is where my energy goes.  So I find that I am not at all equipped to play the “fighting game” that these agencies require.   Screeds of paper listing grievances, spreadsheets, accounts, creative accounting of events – these are all things I am very bad at supplying.  I’m an honest person so I expect to be believed, but it seems you cannot be believed by these systems unless you play the game right.   I don’t do it at all well, because I am spending my life as most people do – raising a family, working a full day’s work, volunteering in the community where possible, caring for extended family and friends, being responsible with my health and well-being.   I simply do not have the time nor the inclination to supply the detail that so-called “justice” requires.  Therefore I feel that I must live with injustice, and the only thing that I’m guilty of is of being a normal decent person.

But no matter what people say and do, they cannot take the important things:  my children have been taken  from me physically, yet nobody can stop them loving and wanting me.   The ex can drain my financial resources and continues to do so, yet he cannot take my energy, work skills and employability away anymore so  in actual fact I will always somehow make ends meet.  As much as in the past he tried to isolate me geographically, I have broken out of his boundaries now and he cannot take away my fantastic friends and family.

These messages are ones that I find I am telling myself over and over as I go through this recovery period.   I think when we’ve been abused and accused, those of us with consciences begin to doubt ourselves and think we’ve somehow caused it.  Luckily I have friends around who know that this is not the case.   And as they can’t be by my side every minute reminding me that I am not the person I’ve been accused of being,  reminding me that I have always acted with integrity,  I have recently tried to take on the role of “affirming friend” to myself by telling myself these things when the gremlin doubts and anxieties urge me in to the habitual “brace position”.

As this blog is all about healing, because that’s where I am in life right now, the focus now has to be on me and my future and not on the things that have happened to me, so I’d love to hear from anyone who has some affirmations or comments that they’d like to share that could be healing.  Affirmations that perhaps take the tension off and allow us to breathe again.  Or things that help us know that although the abuse we received was not an official “crime” as such, it was still abuse, and we are not responsible for it.

I’d also like to acknowledge the many other people out there who have suffered and are finding their way back to the lives they deserve.

2011 Year of Illumination

I am amazed at how accurate this is for my life and those around me right now.  It endorses the building I’m doing and my focus on being grounded, rather than being hounded, and my wish to step out into the world and help others.

Books to help with the healing

JD commented on the blog today because she’d discovered a book that really spoke to her experience.  Its called Truth Heals by Deborah King.  I thought this warranted a new post, as there are definitely books that have helped me too.  My favourite is Anam Cara: Spiritual Wisdom from the Celtic World by John O’Donohue.

I’d love to hear from other people who have book titles they’d like to share, be they fiction or non-fiction.

 

“…anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you”

This heading is from a poem by David Whyte, Sweet Darkness.  This poem has on many occasions provided me with the courage to continue and to believe in my actions.  To me it speaks of the hard times as being necessary, and useful even, in order to see the way ahead.  It also supports the idea that we have a right to feel alive.

Beautiful by Carole King

When the abuse began six years ago, my brother told me to sing this song to myself.

“You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel”

I am a positive person so generally it hasn’t been too hard to do this, as I have this kind of Pollyanna type nature anyhow.  And it many ways it has worked – I have attracted great friends and good job opportunities in to my life.  The abuse, however, has continued, and I am broke and on my own.    There are many dismaying times that I have to work hard to get through and I am blessed with brothers and sisters and many fantastic friends, whose total belief in me and my motives, no matter what my children’s father and the Family Court might say, help me continue on.

What songs have kept other people going?

Why are we here?

My name is Helen and I have started this blog to get discussion going around how to deal with the trauma that comes from being entrapped, treated unfairly, bullied, marginalised in ways that are often invisible.  Seeking positive comments and stories that come out of hardship, constructive advice rather than a place to vent.

I’m a devoted and caring single mother who has been abused by the father of our children for many years, and this has been reinforced by institutional bullying and false accusations via the Family Court system.  I’m interested in the idea that violence is not just physical.  The blows I’ve been dealt have felt physical, and have affected me and the children deeply.  It is tempting to want to strike back – I feel like a mother bear whose cubs  and own life have both been threatened.  I’ve tried hard not to reciprocate the violence, yet  there may have been times when I looked vicious merely because I stood up for our rights, but preserving myself and the children were my only motives.  I abhorred being cornered into such unhealthy positions so instead I removed myself from these impossible situations, but sadly this has meant being apart from my children and living with hurtful accusations.

I believe, as hard as it is and as hurt as I am, that there is a positive future if I keep my strength and my dignity.  My essence as a mother now focuses on being an excellent role model rather than the person who cooks their tea, as much as I want to cook their tea.

I now have a great admiration and respect for anyone who has tackled injustice, by saying no, or by freeing oneself from entrapment.  It is such a hard thing to do, for it is often just the beginning of a long road.  When you stand up to these things you face the loss of other things, and are misunderstood or misrepresented in the process.

I believe self-expression is an important part of life, especially in regards to healing, which is how I came up with the title for this blog.   Hopefully I can sing via this blog, and I’d love to hear your chorus and any verses you’d like to add.